If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand; When I awake, I am still with You.
This past year has been one of my most trying years to date. I have been an adult for many years now. ( no need to mention how many...) but this year I felt more like one than ever before. I said goodbye to three loved ones. This leaves one with so many questions about God's will and God's plans. It leaves so many questions with little answers. So many things I don't know, don't understand, and can't make since of. In the midst of all of this there is one thing God has completely assured me of ~ His unfailing love for each one of us.
Last summer Uncle Willie & Aunt Rhonda started to come visit us. They would come on the weekends and mainly rest. It really had been a while since we had got to spend time with them and we were happy to open up our home. Aunt Rhonda had been suffering with cancer for many years. Although, you wouldn't know how much she hurt because she was the type of person who laughed every chance she got. Uncle Willie found a couple of old recliners and set them outside under the carport. Antone and I would refer to this as our "hillbilly central ", but it was a fun gathering place. Aunt Rhonda would stay out there from morning until we would beg her to come inside late at night. She loved breathing in that fresh ocean air. It was a temporary escape from the reality of the pain she felt.
We spent many times in prayer. Each time I would see her, she would be more weak. Alone I would ask God, " Lord, what is your plan? What do you want from me through this? " In my heart God had placed an undeniable need to shelter Aunt Rhonda. I often wondered why God would place that need in my heart if he wasn't going to heal her this side of heaven. I even struggled with saying God, why put someone in my heart and the hearts of my family if you are just going to take her. It didn't;t seem fair to me. Almost like God was setting us up for heartbreak. It has only been since she has passed that he has began to explain it to me.
It was a Wednesday morning. Uncle Willie and Aunt Rhonda were going to be coming over that evening. I woke up and turned to Antone and said I am going to make chicken & dumplings today. I had this crazy overwhelming need to make them. I even tried to reason it away and had decided I would do something else because I didn't have a good sized soup pot. In the back of my mind though it stayed. Around lunch I received a phone call from my Dad. He was out on the truck but said he had pulled over and wired me $200. He said he felt like I needed it. This supplied me with the funds to go get that soup pot and all of the ingredients needed for the chicken & dumplings. I even had just this recipe floating in my head for a way to make it that I had never done before. Not only that but it had been at least 2 years since I had made it at all! Uncle Willie & Aunt Rhonda arrived and I said that we were having chicken & dumplings for dinner. Aunt Rhonda looked and me and said, " I have been wanting chicken & dumplings so bad." She had been begging everyone to make her some. As my chicken & dumplings were cooking she got a phone call from another relative who didn't realize she had come to the coast, saying they had made chicken & dumplings for her! Her reply was "put them in the fridge and I will eat them when I get back!" Not only did God give them to her once but he gave her a double portion! I have to say~ that night as we ate, they were the best chicken & dumplings I had ever made and I don't even know if I could make it again like that if I tried.
Aunt Rhonda was so young~ only 47. She battled cancer almost half her life. From the outside looking in, it is hard to see how God would allow suffering like that. One of those questions I can't answer but I know without doubt that Aunt Rhonda was not alone and God was with her each step of the way. He displayed how much he loved her in so many ways. He displayed it in small ways like her favorite meal. He also showed his love for her, by giving her a wonderful love and helpmate in Uncle Willie. He was so attentive to her needs. She wanted for nothing. I would see Uncle Willie give her shots that would make him cringe, yet he would do it so gently. When God blesses you with a husband like that, he definitely loves you a lot. He gave Aunt Rhonda the opportunity to see her precious Becky married, and the birth of her daughter Brittany's baby girl, who was the light of her life. Our small group at our church practically knew Aunt Rhonda and prayed for her daily. Some friends of ours who didn't even know them called and wanted to take them sailing. What a wonderful day that was!
So now, through all of this, I know the answer to the question I asked God. Why did he want us to be so close to someone that he was going to take if it was only going to end in a heartbreak? The answer is that it wasn't about me and my heartbreak...It was about God and his wanting to use us to show Aunt Rhonda the love he had for her. He wanted to sustain her with rest, love, and his spirit until he called her home. When I look at it from God's heart for her and all his thoughts to care for her in all the little details it makes the heartbreak a little less because I know his undying love for her and each one of us, goes beyond the grave and she is with him in heaven. I will miss her so much and I count it a blessing that God gave us the time with her he did, and when it is all said and done, I would do it all over again.
I am so grateful to know a God who will never leave us or forsake us...even until the end. I pray that one day he will love on me like chicken & dumplings~
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